For the second time today, I find myself in a coffee shop to take advantage of the free wi-fi. Yes indeed, The Second Cup is truly living up to its name this afternoon. I don’t usually mind hanging out with folks drinking their coffee, but today, it just feels uncomfortable, and there is a strange looking man watching me. As a matter of fact, just about everything feels uncomfortable these days. Like when you’re wearing cute underwear that is just a little too small, and even though you don’t technically have a wedgie, it still doesn’t feel quite right.
While battling a cold and getting re-acquainted with sleepless nights, I’ve also been doing some hard-core apartment hunting over the past week. Right now, I’m not finding it to be a very fun process. I’m sure it’s full of lessons for me, but right now, I don’t get them and I can’t wait for this whole thing to be over with. After dozens (likely close to 100) calls, very few positive responses and a handful of apartments visited, we still haven’t found “the one”. Part of me wants to walk into a place and just wait for it to be right, to fall in love. But the other part tells me that it’s hard to be love-struck when you’re on a budget and a deadline, and I need to just get over all this “feeling” crap. I wish that part would shut up. But I can’t help but wonder if it might be right.
Adding to the problem is that what “feels” right changes on an hourly basis. Since I’ve been in Toronto, I’ve always been a West end girl. So far, none of the places I’ve been coming across in that part of town have been fitting the budget aspect of our list of must-haves. Sometimes, moving to the East end of town, where we’ve seen one apartment that fits our budget that is literally next door to a subway station, seems like a big adventure! Together, the Acadian and I would move to new territory and explore the neighborhood together. I’d try my hand at being a city girl in the middle of it all, and it would be so much fun! Giving up my car will be cool and I’ll enjoy zipping around town with my transit pass. But then, only a few hours later, I start to wonder how I’ll like living in a high-rise again and how we’ll get our cases of almond milk and other hippie-dippie things home. I really wish my sense of adventure would come back to stay.
Back and forth. To and fro. It honestly feels more like two steps forward and ten steps back today. And it’s all because of me. And my choices. Choices I’ve made in the past, but choices I could make today to give whole process a whole new direction. If the me of 10 years ago could come to the future to share a few words, the first ones out of her mouth would likely be “quit this crazy live-with-a-purpose business, get a job and buy a house!”. But I suppose she hadn’t had the chance to spend those 10 years working yet, discovering that promotions, money and houses didn’t make her happy. Sigh. The thought that’s been coming to mind the last few days is that by doing what I’m doing, I’m throwing away everything I’ve worked towards over these last 10 years. However as I write this, I realize the opposite is true: if I go back to the same old routine, I’m turning my back on all I’ve learned and experienced in this time. Caution people, this is a pep-talk in progress.
Although I know that my perception on this situation is key to making it a happy one, I’m finding it hard to flip the switch. I keep looking back to the me of two years ago. Somehow, she managed to be hopeful about her life even if the whole thing had been turned upside-down. Why can’t I do the same today? Why is the Cheerio-box-shaking a little nauseating lately? Things have been changing by the hour though. Maybe the part I’m getting wrong is that when the sense of adventure comes around, you’re supposed to hang on, tight.This post may contain affiliate links.
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